


Killing a Killer 101

by yeet_or_be_yeeten_101



Category: Creepypasta - Fandom
Genre: BITCH LASAGNE???, Gen, I Was Drunk When I Wrote This, If you like stupid stuff with good grammer..., Jeff gets wrecked, John Cena up on dis bitch, NON CLICKBAIT, Shrek is Love Shrek is Life, Total freaking crack, crackfic, nah, you might like this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2021-01-23 09:55:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21318274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yeet_or_be_yeeten_101/pseuds/yeet_or_be_yeeten_101
Summary: Another day, another meme.This is the life of a young girl, with an unhealthy obsession for Doritos and Mountain Dew.Not even 24 Blaze it could even relate to the crack and batshit insane events that take place.A rock that can't even sing, someone who needs sum milk, honor codes, and the Meme Lord herself, embark on a journey encrusted with piss poor decisions to mark a new day.What could be better?Nothing.But here comes the Creepypastas anyway!(*beware this is a CRACKFIC and was made when I drank too much, uhhhhhhhhh, don't drink kids??? That was appropriate right????*)(**CLAIMER: I MEANT COFFEE, NOT ALCOHOL, HAHAHA, I'M DUMB**)
Relationships: OC and Jeff the Killer
Comments: 1
Kudos: 4





	Killing a Killer 101

My name is Patience Kings, but my imaginary friends just call me Patty.

Oh, I also have detention.

But you know how it is! Some girl decided it was fine to just kick my pet rock outside, making him fly and crash into a tree. That should be a great reason to Goku punch someone in the face.

Okay, long story short, I have this pet rock named Bob Jr. ‘Elizabeth’ the Third, but I just like to call him Bobby. I love him so much, maybe even more than Meme's...

Anyways, we were going on a walk around campus when suddenly, I had to use the restroom.

A woman's gotta shit when a woman's gotta shit, ya know?

But when I came out, some white blonde bimbo was _ sexually _ harassing my Bobby! After she touched him, she soon kicked him like a kangaroo would to a predator.

Poor Bobby flew like a sinking fat man trying to swim. (But realistically, he just bounced off a tree.)

I had seen red.

I went John Cena on her ass, yelling the wise words my mom told me every time I needed to get my grades up.

"_ Estupida perra, porque haces esto?!? ME VOY A COTAR TU PITO. _ ** _ME VOY A COTAR TU PITO!!!_ **"

Of course, I never _ really did _bodily harm her in any way, shape, or form.

...Okay, so maybe I shoved some dirt on her lips, but that's only because she pulled onto my leash that I had around her mouth. The same neon pink one she took her dirty hands on and pulled off of Bobby after she molested him!!!

I mean, I _ guess _ I can see why the principle gave me detention now that I said that out loud, but Bobby got hurt because of her!

The Principle had a neat and tidy bun, her suit formal and elegant. She wasn’t old or too young, and lacked personal experience with idiot children.

Which was me.

I was going to make the argument that even animals had feelings too but the principle shut me off, her tone clipped and angry.

"If you speak one more doltish or dimwitted word, I will have you expelled Ms. Kings!"

Standing straight I nodded, "Alright, that's reasonable. I mean, I can just live my life with my uncle at the Mickie D's that's no problem-"

"And throw your pet rock away."

"..."

I think my heart just stopped.

Wait

Oh shit

How do I hear my heart???

Is it a vain or sum shit

I forgot last year's science

Fuck you Mr. Nickles, you didn't teach shit!!!

FUCK

I'M NOT BREATHING

IS IT THE NECK!?!

THE BACK!?!

"Mah pussy and mah crack!"

_ oh fuck _

"Ms. Kings!!! How inappropriate! This will be your final warning of the year! If you do not comply, you know the terms."

She frowned and shook her head at me. Ushering me out.

I squealed when she slammed the door shut on me, the door backhanding me.

This was not good news, not good news indeed.

How am I supposed to save Bobby if every time I do I get in trouble for it?!?

Oh well, goals I guess.

As I thought intently towards my next class, I couldn't help but feel that someone was looking at me. I turned around to see no one.

¨Oh well, they don't know what they're missing!¨ I whispered creepily in a sexy little kids voice, throwing my hands in the air like I was in a LIT party.

#NotGay

I entered the next hall, making my way to the classroom door. As I entered the classroom, I could name 3 things wrong.

First of all, it was pure chaos.

The teacher wasn't apparently here and all the students were screaming, laughing, and even trashing the place.

Secondly, Gian Bitch Mick Tits Miller was the one leading the Mob.

She was the girly-girl of the whole school, and not one girl liked her. She was the one person you didn't want to be in the same street on even if you were in sum mafia or shiz.

Honestly I have no clue as to why she was leading the mob but one thing I can say for certain is,

Third, _ MARCUZ FINALLY GREW A BEARD!!! _

Jesus Christ he has one big beard.

Puberty I guess.

Damn, now I want a beard.

How do women get beards?!?

We have one underneath our _ OTHER _ lips, why can't it be topside too?!?

I don't want a red beard tho

Damn, why am I a red head?!?

Cuz mother nature wants me to kill sum bitches

Nah, that's why we have Gian

Wait

What's my whole point again???

Oh ye, red

I wanna have a black mustache

Like a brownish blackish

Is that even a thing???

Oh well

I'm making it a thing now I guess

But still, I wanna beard

I'll just ask Santa for it this year instead of the death of Nancy

Damn

I was looking forward to that too!

Goals, I guess

But what if someone shaved it to a Hitler stache????

I don't wanna be a nazi!!!

I like being American

Or Mexican

Or Ginger

Wait

What?

Oh

oh

ok

_ Okkkkayyyyyyyyyyy _

I mean mix!

Damn

I just wanna be lovedddddd

#Relatable

Beards are so weird

I huffed and took a seat, no longer satisfied of the thought of having a beard. Too complicated.

I waited patiently for the teacher to soon arrive. Someone must know that there's a whole class unsupervised, right? I mean, I did come late. Maybe they went to the bathroom?

Oh damn, Clarice just started a fire.

Wai-

WHA?!?

Before I could even yell, some kid cried out,

** _¨EVERY MAN FOR THEMSELVES!!!¨_ **

He threw himself to the wall, grabbing a chair and smashing a nearby window, leaping out said window.

Huh, I wonder if he knew we were in a second floor building...?

Oh wait, a fire.

Looks kinda pretty, I can just tou-

WAIT

FIRE

HOT DAMN

JUST LIKE MY BODY

I decided to take the same route as the other kid, flicking Marcus's beard before leaping out of the same window and landing on a bush.

This escalated quickly.

After the fire incident, all the students were evacuating the building.

Of course, some students that were in the class had to talk some teachers about the, 'incident' and talk about who started that fire. I obviously ain't no snitch, so I didn't rat

Clarice out at _ all _.

¨If you bargain with us, we will let you out of detention for a whole month an-¨

¨It was Clarice.¨

¨Are you sure? Did you se-¨

¨It was Clarice.¨

Yup, no snitch.

I got home early that day, respects from the faculty in the campus. Yeah, I might have been an idiot in front of the Principle a bit but _ my ass will most definitely not be Principle _

_ Grass _.

I just gotta leave Bobby at home more.

Yeah

He can handle a couple hours without me. I mean, it's not like he'll actually get mad. Every time he goes out with me he gets hurt.

Yeah, that's what I'll tell him. He'll understand. He's Bobby!

I was sprawled eagle on my bed, bored out of my mind. My parents wouldn't come home until later in the night.

You see, my parents don't usually have time for me. My dad goes out into his business trips and doesn't come back until a week after his group finishes his projects and

presentations. My mom owns a retail store and stays overnight until the morning.

Basically, they leave me alone all night but the weekends. It's not so bad, I've always had Darwin and Bobby with me. They were my friends since my mom had to leave for

business.

They still leave enough food for me so I can be filled for a whole month if needed. They love me, and I love them. That's honestly the only reason I never complained about them

leaving me behind sometimes. 

Because I know at the end of the day, if they knew I was hurt or in danger, they would throw and quit everything to help me.

My arms wrapped around my anime waifu pillow, pondering at what I should do for the rest of the day.

My feet swung up and down, my hands resting on my face as I pouted. _ I could just watch some porn? _

_ Nah, too basic _

_ Hentai! _

_ No, god nooooo _

_ Umm _

_ Maybe just do my homework for once? _

_ Fuck nooooooo _

_ Uh _

_ Damn _

_ I am one lazy little twunk _

_ The definition of twink and hunk!!!! _

_ I’m proud of that one _

_ I’m hungry actually _

_ Hmmm, tuna sandwich sounds bomb right now _

After thinking it over for literally only 3 seconds, I ran down the stairs. Tripping, I fell flat out on my ass.

“Eh, I didn’t need it anyways.” I shrugged with a wince, limping to the beautiful view of the kitchen.

I pulled my hair into a ponytail, singing I whip my hair back in forth 3 times before chanting devil words.

As I prepped for the meal, I realised something was...odd.

For one, the window was open, and I never, ** _ever_ ** let the window open.

Unless it’s Saturday and my dad farted.

I looked towards my sandwich, the one I haven’t even started, and back to the window.

Cautiously, I brought a spoon from under my mayonnaise. If this guy thinks he can sneak up on Patience Danger Kings, he thought terribly wrong!!!

I practically sold my soul to Tumblr bruh, that makes me Satan’s fucking _daddy_!

I brought the white colored spoon close to my chest, my eyes scanning for anyone even remotely close to the kitchen. Alas, no one was there.

But then I felt a breath on my neck.

“MAH PUSSY AND MY CRACK!!!” I battle cried, swinging my mighty spoon behind me wildly, like I was aiming for a pinata. 

“WHAT THE FU-” My spoon connected harshly with his forehead, knocking him unconscious.

After calming myself down, I inspected the unconscious body in front of me.

He was pale, too pale, and wore a white sweater with black...leggings? 

“The frickledickkle is he wearing??? He a male prostitute? Cause damn that ass, but his face, bruh.” I shook my head, his face disturbing me but understanding what he was, and

this white boi was ** _clearly_ ** a hooker.

Wait, did I just kill a prostitute???

With a spoon too?!?!

I can already see the headlines, 

‘Young male prostitute killed by Satan worshiper Patience Kings by ** _spoon_ **.’

...wait a second.

I leaned over to take a better look at his face, slowly inching closer, and closer.

This guy looks familiar...almost as if I have...seen him in the int-

He moved.

** _“AAAAAAPPPAKAKAKAKAKA!!!”_ **

I squealed like a man and threw my spoon at him, knocking him out again.

Without even hesitating, I dipped, running past my front door and block to the small park that all Elementary kids go to after school.

Jogging to the slides, I sat down and ringed my wrists.

_ Holy shit _

_ What the fuck _

_ The guy almost killed me, he almost touched me! _

_ I should get the police or something… _

_ Nope, can’t, what do I say about being left alone? _

_ God damnit _

_ They might even see the fake drugs I hid under my bed, the one for my buddy Markuz _

_ Cause he’s black _

While contemplating my thoughts, a little kid snuck up behind me.

“HEY!” he screamed, in a nosy kid voice.

“I wanna go on the slide old lady!”

My eye twitched and I whipped my body to him.

“Listen kid, if you don’t let me rethink life, I will scar you with the love of furries and tentacle porn for all your life! You see my red hair, I am **Satan** you peasant child! _ **FEAR ** _

_ **ME!!!** _” I gradually started my tone into a normal psycho but then transgressed into a roar of only men from the wilderness of Russia can possess. 

The kid flinched and ran away screaming, tears coming rapidly down his face. His pants brown instead of white.

Throwing myself back into the slide, I slumped onto the slide more.

_ I never even got to eat my tuna sandwich! _

_ That’s a sad life right there, almost as bad as having the name Diana... _

_ What do I do???? _

_ JKSDKFDSKJLKSDF!!! _

_ I should just go back home, the prostitute probably left. _

_ I mean, he probably got a concussion from knocking him out more than once. _

_ What more could go wrong…? _

...A lot, apparently


End file.
